I’ve worked with many people who are part of a separation in their marriage. Some are the ones pushing for it, others have it thrust upon them by an unhappy spouse.
They may call it “taking some time apart”, “needing space”, “figuring things out”, or any other number of euphemisms, but when a married couple decides to live apart, to me it’s a separation. And to have a fighting chance of the separation being anything but a path to divorce, I have found it needs 3 things to be talked about and understood before one of you moves out.
- Is sexual or romantic contact with other people allowed? – this MUST be clearly set and agreed to! You may think it is tacitly assumed to be “no”, but I urge you to be clear and direct about this. In my experience, if a couple cannot agree on “no” to this, there may be another person already involved, and/or the separation is really a beginning to the divorce process.
- What kind of time together will we spend? How will try to figure this out? – I find some people want to get out to relieve pressure, so they just want to take an “organic” approach to the time apart. While this sounds great, it can lead to lots of conflict, hurt feelings, and often little movement (in a positive direction). If you really want to be working on the marriage while apart, having a structured plan is good. That could mean a weekly session with a couples therapist, or a weekly date night, or both. But I strongly suggest their is a plan in place. A good friend whose marriage survived a separation described her meetings as “being the hardest conversations we ever had.”
- Assume the timing of deciding whether to recommit or part will be organic – I have met couples who wanted to pre-define the exact number of days, weeks or months it will be before they have a definitive answer as to whether they would recommit to being together or start divorce. I find this doesn’t match with how we actually make decisions. If we apply ourselves to revealing our direction, it just arrives at some point. It cannot be forced, and if it is, force usually pushes one side to divorce. That said, no marriage can survive an endless separation (save those staying married only in legal status).
In my next blog post, I will go over the 3 outcomes of a separation.
If you’re in Seattle and I can help you with something like this, let me know. Best, Peter
